Monday, 6 February 2006

Whatcha gonna do? rap is not afraid of you


So the number 1 single in the UK this week is "Nasty Girl" by the Notorious B.I.G. and featuring such luminaries as P.Diddy, Nelly, Jagged Edge and Avery Storm.

I know I shouldn't give a shit about this, but I really do. I wish that I could just shrug my shoulders, admire the glossy production values and tap my foot to the catchy tune, but I can't.

This is toss and it pisses me off.

Let's have a look at some of the lyrics:

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I go, on and on and on and
Don't take them to the crib unless they bon'in

[I think this is some sort of reference to his own sexual prowess and longevity]

Easy, call em on the phone and
platinum Chanel cologne and
I stay, dressed, to impress
Spark these bitches interest

[Women are only interested in bling. Wear some bling and they'll forget you are the same size as a beached whale and will be magnetically drawn to them... or perhaps if they have a magnet on them, you're the one who is drawn to them]

Sex is all I expect

[expect away fatboy]

If they watch TV in the Lex, they know
They know, quarter past fo'
Left the club tipsy, say no mo'
Except how I'm gettin home, tomorrow
Caesar drop you off when he see his P.O.(hey)

[sorry - no idea]

Back of my mind, I hope she swallow
Man She spilt a drink on my cream wallows

[dreaming again fatboy - she'll never find it]

Reach the gate, hungry just ate

[hungry and you just ate? a tapeworm?]

Riffin, she got to be to work by eight
This must mean she ain't tryin to wait

[perhaps she's already working?]

Conversate, sex on the first date I state "You know what you do to me"
She starts off, "Well I don't usually"

[I don't blame her. Would you?]

Then I, whip it out, rubber no doubt

[well, I suppose we should give the guy some credit for that]

Step out, show me what you all about
Fingers in your mouth, open up your blouse
Pull your G-string down South, aoowww

[ah, because that's what all women wear, isn't it?]

Threw that back out, in the parking lot
By a Cherokee and a green drop-top

[presumably the cars are filled with bling and have that ridiculous suspension that bounces them up and down, right?]

And I don't stop, until I squirt
Jeans skirt butt-naked it all work

[it's a form of urban poetry, I think]

Gotta love ma little nasty girl
U know I love ma little nasty girl
I love ma little nasty girl
All the ladies if u hear me
Grab Ur titties for B.I.G
I love ma little nasty girl
All ma women from around the world
I love ma little nasty girl
All the ladies if u hear me
Grab Ur titties for B.I.G

[nice - but wait! here come P.Diddy to rescue us from this sexist tripe]

I need u to dance
I need u to strip
I need u to shake Ur little ass n hips
I need u to grind like Ur working for tips

[ah. My mistake.]

N give me what I need while we listen to prince

[cos prince is sexy music, innit?]

Coz miss U ain't seen the world yet
Rocked la pearl yet
Rocked them pearl sets
Flew in em pearl jets (ooooohhhhh)

[translates as "I may be an odious, tasteless little shit, but I do have money"]

In a style make a low profile girl smile
Throw a chick back like a blue print trial
Now u n me can drink some Hennessy

[right. cos that's classy, yeah?]

Then we get it on
Mad women wantin to bone Sean Combs

[This can't be true? Isn't this the same guy who used to be the butler in The Fresh Prince?]

Sippin on Patron

[cos that's expensive too, innit?]

Speeding we be leanin
Got em feeling
N when I give it to u throw it right back (right back)
Tell me Diddy 'Yeah I like it like that' (like that)
Lift your shirt
U know how I flirt
Heels and skirt
Let's take it off
Now lets work (lets work)

[what a horrible mental image, and would you really be able to call him "Diddy" in bed without cracking up?]

Gotta love ma little nasty girl
U know I love ma little nasty girl
I love ma little nasty girl
All the ladies if u hear me
Grab Ur titties for B.I.G
I love ma little nasty girl
All ma women from around the world
I love ma little nasty girl
All the ladies if u hear me
Grab Ur titties for B.I.G

Uh with JE and B.I.G (what, what)
Grab the keys from Diddy (Uh, uh)
The women look-in ... no stress
Meet us upstairs in Ur best .....Yes
Dressed to impress
Spark these bitches interest
Jazze on the beat so sweet
Ladies know u feel me
Grab Ur titties for the B.I.G

[blah blah blah - let's see if Nelly can raise the tone at all]

Ok ma what's Ur preference
Nice and slow
Or fast and breathless
Pull Ur hair girl, bite Ur necklace
Let me show u what a nigger from Lou blessed with

[that's a 'no' then?]

Hey.... I'm exprained to leave
When I'm done I flip the mattress
Change the sheet (Gotta change them)
I'm like a radical one
I vibrate a little more than Ur mechanical one

[Parkinsons?]

(From Ur titties to you thong)
Either way mama I'm a make u do it or do it
(Girl I'm about to make u come)
Guaranteed when Ur fuckin with me
(Coz I go on and on and on...on and on and on....on and on and)
Ladies if u feel me
Grab them Thangs fo Biggie

[it's good this, isn't it?]

Gotta love ma little nasty girl
U know I love ma little nasty girl
I love ma little nasty girl (u Gotta love it baby)
All the ladies if u hear me
Grab ur titties for B.I.G
I love ma little nasty girl
All ma women from around the world
I love ma little nasty girl
All the ladies if u hear me
Grab ur titties for B.I.G

[I wonder if there's anything on the telly]

Ladies and Gentlemen you are now tuning into the very best
Diddy
Jazze Phizzle
Nelly now
Jagged edge (u no that u looovvveee)
The Notorious (notorious)
B. I. G
The Biggie duets
Notorious
Bad boys
Show enough (Show enough)
Notorious
Notorious
Ladies and gentlemen
Let's go [X4]
Hey hey hey... hey

[and that's it... thank Christ... of course you know exactly what the video is going to be like, don't you?]

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Am I the only person in the world who finds this to tasteless, offensive shite? Why do so many rappers have to fall into such sexist doggerel and empty braggadocio about how much money they have, how good they are in bed and how the 'bitches' all love them?

Music doesn't have to be meaningful, but does it have to be quite so offensive?

Or should I just get over it?

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Chapter 3 of my Nano novel is up, by the way.

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I need pictures of the insides of your fridges please --- send your photos to the email address in my profile.

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That's it.

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