Monday 5 October 2009

and we cry when they all dye blonde....

"Apparently," C. told me this weekend, "if you have your arsehole bleached, you can have real problems getting it waxed afterwards. It's the increased sensitivity."

I'm not sure if there's ever a right moment to be told that kind of thing, to be honest, and it took a little while for the information to process. Had I heard that correctly? Yes, I rather think I had. Did I understand what I was hearing or why I was being told it? Not really.

Let's pause here and consult wikipedia:

Anal bleaching, I learn "is the practice of bleaching the pigmentation of the skin of medium- to light-skinned people around the anus. Some white people have some degree of darker pigmentation of the skin immediately around the anus, which can be mistaken for poor personal hygiene. Discoloration of the anal and vaginal areas can be caused by aging, hormonal changes from pregnancy, diet, and other factors.Bleaching is used mostly for cosmetic purposes to lighten the color of the skin around the anus, making it more uniform with the surrounding area."

Ah, I see. But where on earth does the idea of something like this come from?

"Originally, anal and vaginal lightening was discovered by adult film stars, dancers, models, beauty-forward celebrities and others on the forefront of the waxing trend who were "exposed" and wanted to enhance the appearance of the anal, vaginal and genital areas."

Right. Beauty-forward celebrities. Of course. Am I the only person thinking of Jordan at this point?

Now, I might be metrosexual enough to use moisturiser, but that grey hair is all my own, and I'm about as likely to have a back, crack and sack wax as I am to tap-dance to San Francisco singing "Holding Back the Years" by Simply Red. Anal bleaching? I'm not sure I know which is the more bizarre: the idea of someone applying bleach to their fundament, or the idea that anyone might actually want to bleach it in the first place. How does that come up in conversation? Who tries that out for the first time? And once you've started, would you ever really be happy with the colour you've achieved, or would you want more? Would you spend every spare moment over a mirror with a colour chart? And as for the news that it renders many people too sensitive to be waxed.... well.

I put it to you: if the biggest problems in your life are the colour of your arsehole and the subsequent increased sensitivity - post-bleaching - that makes waxing something of an ordeal, then I'd suggest you're lucky not to have more serious problems.

Or is that just me? Is everyone else doing this but me?

I'm clearly reading the wrong magazines.

A problem, I would suggest, that our forebears never had. This, my friends, is evolution. Can our species advance any further?

And, yes...... I am still a little baffled as to how this can come up, apropos nothing, in casual conversation with my wife. Wouldn't you be?


  1. I haven't read the wiki, but I should hope it mentions that some products used for anal bleaching can lead to arse cancer. As much as I am sure that arse cancer is terrible, I would find it hard to drum up sympathy for someone who had perhaps brought such an unfortunate fate upon themselves due to such a bizarre vanity.

  2. This is SO weird as I had a conversation very similar to yours this week with a friend.
    I thought she had made it up and thought that only porn stars and the like had such things done, but she assures me a woman at her work has had it done.

    We are living in the strangest world.

    I know I am clean and have no problem whatever colour my undercarriage is as I can't see it! So I could not care one bit.

    Frankly I have other far more important things to think about and certainly better things to spend my money on!

    Such vanity and insanity MUST stop!!

    N xxxx