I've decided that it is the duty of this blog to provide some impartial reportage on the forthcoming UK General Election. I'm going to start by giving you the lowdown on the policies contained within the Conservative Party manifesto, which was launched today.
In case you aren't familiar with the intricacies of a British General election, the manifesto is the crucial document launched by every party at the start of their campaign: it outlines the policies that would form the cornerstone of the party if they were to win the election and form the next Government.
So what are the key planks of Conservative Party policy? What could we expect to find if Michael Howard wakes up in 10 Downing Street on 6th May?
- A team of Alchemists will work night and day to turn enough base metal into gold to pay off the national debt and to fill the black hole in our balance sheets
- The Danegeld will no longer be paid to the Vikings
- The streets of London will be stripped of their gold paving to finance the provision of an extra turnip for every hut
- Rome will be petitioned for extra clergy to school the children of the landed classes
- One Latin Bible for every village
- Unpaid serfdom for every child from the age of 4 (to be called 'apprenticeships')
- Everyone will be entitled to unlimited blood letting, on demand
- More & better leeches for all
- Trial by Combat or Trial by Ordeal to be available to all (at the discretion of the local nobility, who retain the right to arbitrary and brual retribution for all crimes, real and imagined, at all times)
- Every citizen to have the right to kill anyone they don't recognise in their village after nightfall, as long as they use a halberd
- The king is annointed by God and is accountable only to him
- The Prime Minister is similar, only less accountable to God
- At least one invasion of mainland Europe to be launched per annum
- A Crusade to be launched to recover the Holy Land during the lifetime of the Parliament
- Will be burnt at the stake