Monday 2 October 2006

easy as 1-2-3

I think initially I was an 'N', although I quickly became an 'I'. Then I was an 'H', but I should have been a 'G'. There followed a short interlude when I was a '7' who should have been an '8', but before long I was back to being an 'H' who will just have to wait six months before finally becoming a 'G' ("our hands are tied"). Meanwhile C. was made an 'E' just before they merged 'E' with 'F', rendering the move irrelevant (although she'll still probably end up as A to D).

Someone told me today that actually I am logged in the system as a 'P'.

do re mi, ABC, 123, baby, you and me!

Me, I always preferred Count von Count.

"1, ah-ah-ah! 2, ah-ah-ah! 3, ah-ah-ah!" etc.

I'd love to say "I'm not a number (or a letter), I'm a free man!", but this would be untrue: in my professional life I have successively been the numbers 7801591, 085360 and 101535.

Can't they just barcode me at birth, stick to the one damn number and be done with it?

Today's post was brought to you by the number of the beast and the letters S, U, C, K, E and R.

It was also written by a muppet.


  1. Have I been absent so long that you've started a whole new language?
    I am most confused.

  2. Which of my numbers do you want: social security, employee ID, driver's license, passport, health insurance, or any of the random IDs assigned for me by a) utilities, b) car insurance, c) debtors?

    I have never been a letter.

  3. On one of the occasions I was made very pointedly redundant - bye bye, shop steward - my manager rang me at home a few days later and left a message on my answering machine asking me to send my clocking on card back.

    Yeah, I might have been a number, but it was MY number. I've still got the clocking on card somewhere.

    Bollocks to 'em, Swissie. Remember that.

  4. I've still got my East Midlands Electricity ID. If they hadn't renamed the company I could be making a tidy living out of robbing pensioners on the pretence of reading their meters.

    Bin day in a particular area on the way to work always made me smile. All the wheelie bins were lined up with house numbers painted on them apart from one which had 'I am not a number, I am a free dustbin.'

  5. Some weeks ago, I broke my work ID card. Given the high security nature of my business, I applied for a new one quick smart. Two weeks passed and no sign, so I called the ID card office to be told it had been sent in internal mail (may as well have been pigeon post) ten days back. The lady was most concerned and anxious it be found in case someone was "impersonating me". I kid you not. Given that in my picture on the ID card I have a kind of ironic mullet hairdo with a spiky top section, I'd be surprised if people didn't think I was impersonating myself. Eventually the card was found. The City could rest safe.

    My best ID card is my press pass from when I worked in TV. I still use it to blag free entry. I also have my staff card from when I worked at the local university. Happily, this still allows me student discount in other towns.

  6. Of course, nice Mr Reid will be barcoding us all very shortly...

  7. Mr Reid is a douche-bag* of the first order and needs a slap.

    I once worked for a company that sent out an email to its employees telling them to check a website in the morning to see who still had a job and who was getting a P45. Nice...


    * He is of course a black-shirted, authoritarian cunt but the c-word offends people so I didn't use it. D'oh!

  8. I am not a number, I am a free man!

    *plays iron maiden's 'the prisoner' *

  9. Right now I am an "?" for confused.