Monday 9 October 2006

when the routine bites hard and ambitions are low...

I'm feeling low today. I feel physically low and professionally low, and the two of them together are making me feel a bit emotionally low.

I feel physically low because my body is tired from the exercise that I took at the weekend and I'm feeling the symptoms of the WTs across my arms, shoulders, legs and feet. I didn't do all that much really, just a run on Saturday and a gentle swim on Sunday, but it appears to have been enough. I was a bit hungover on Saturday, so I was actually pleasantly surprised by how good I felt on the run, but by Sunday I was starting to feel it. I started the swim strongly, but swimming is the exercise that I feel the weakness in my shoulders and arms the most, and I could feel myself slowing down over the course of the last 20 lengths. I slept badly and I've been tingling ever since.

Naturally, my response to feeling this tired was to take advantage of the lovely evening to go for a jog. You might think that this is only going to make things worse, and physically I'm sure it will. Emotionally however, I find that still feeling that I am able to go out and do this makes me feel an awful lot better about myself. The day that I am physically unable to pop out for a spontaneous jog is the day that I'm really going to feel depressed.

My professional low is easy to explain. I'm on a CV-enhancing course this week, which ought to make me feel pretty good - especially as it was quite interesting today. At lunchtime though I picked up the news that a good friend of mine, a girl I worked with for a couple of years before she moved on to different things, has just been brought back into the department in a role that is above my own. I am delighted that she's coming back partly because we had an absolute blast when we worked together before, but more importantly I'm pleased because she's really bright and will do a great job. She's certainly miles better than the shower of shit that make up the rest of the department, that's for damn sure. I'm not even annoyed that her career has taken her past me, because she probably deserves that too. What's pissed me off is the fact that this just serves to remind me how little I appear to be valued by the same people who are bringing her back. They talk a good game about how they really want to promote me and they do appear to genuinely value and (to some extent) rely upon my input... but as Jerry Maguire would have said, it's time they showed me the money. The situation with my health has been giving me pause for thought before embarking on a career change, but I really think it's time I started to look for something else. Fuck'em.

It is only Monday though, and things always seem their blackest on a Monday.

... and it's pizza for tea. How bad can things really be when it's pizza for tea?


  1. I'm at the same stage professionally. Feeling undervalued and fed up with all the changes which are constantly going on underneath the surface, the corporate bullshit, the big talking, and the fact that nothing actually seems to be changing at all. I've been keeping an eye open for a few months now, but there just doesn't seem to be anything in my field at the moment.

    And I had rubbish pasta with pesto for my tea. Not even any garlic bread.

  2. Yeah I noticed you'd got a bit of a cob on the last coupla days ;)

    I get lows like that too, then they just disappear for no apparent reason maybe the next day, maybe a couple of days later. The problems are still there, but they just seem less depressing or whatever.

    I reckon it's indecision, innit. You know you're dissatisfied with some things, but you're undecided at the moment as to whether you're gonna change them or accept them, and if you're gonna change them, then how? Reckon you'll feel better after a bit of a think. Then you'll probably feel clearer about it all and reach decisions.

    If it's any consolation, I'm in awe of your sportiness. What you consider a sporting 'low' for you is a 'high' that I reckon I can only dream of!!

  3. I've recently had an interesting development, professionally, in that I'm thinking about doing more research and writing with my private practice. This is helping me cope with my job because I have a goal in another area.

    But, otherwise, yeah I need to move on from here at some point soon, too.

  4. But what was on the pizza??!!!!

  5. So, to condense it, your employers say they want to promote you, yet when there is a vacancy in a role that you could be promoted into, they recruit externally?

    Sounds like a good reason for a sulk to me.

  6. I'm firmly of the belief that if you're dissatisfied, make sure it's known. Actually, I'm about to put my words into actions on Thursday.

    That way, the big bosses have the chance to change and, if they don't, you'll feel perfectly justified in leaving and the indecision will be gone. So you'll be happy to move on and won't look back.

  7. if you've got Pizza for tea, then not THAT bad...

  8. That feeling at work really sucks. I hope you find something much better soon. Was the pizza good at least?

  9. I can completely identify with being professionally frustrated. I'll tell you this - having a plan to know what you're going to do about it alleviates some of it, anyway.

    Hope the pizza cleared everything up. Can't hurt.

  10. This thing about the woman you used to work with coming back in a more senior position... The fastest way to promotion is to take a zig-zag track. If you stay in the same place bureaucracy will hold you back.

    You also get a broader, deeper skill-set by doing lots of different roles which is why I encourage everyone to chage jobs every few years. Not that I'm a model career person, far from it but I've benefitted from every move I've had and I'm on my 4th job since 1999.

    Bummer about the fitness thing. Is exercise really making it worse? I'm not sure I understand how that works but I believe you. If it's any consolation I couldn't do 20 lengths let alone 'feel it' on the last 20...

  11. hey stef,

    she's not really zig-zagged all that much as she's not left the company, just moved to a role outside IT (sort of). Not all that different from me really, except I went out with the outsource.

    I know what you mean though. If I want to do anything with my career, I need to move. I'm not sure I do want to do anything with it (I'm realising that other things are far, far more important to me), but I don't need to have the piss taken out of me.