I don't like to moan, but I'm unhappy in my job at the moment.
Oh, it's not the job per se... that's fine. I like the programme I'm working on, I really like most of the people and I certainly don't really need more money (even if I know I'm worth more). It's just that I feel like I'm going backwards. As you know, I'm not particularly career orientated - if I was, then I probably would have changed jobs years ago - but I'm definitely going backwards. I've always known that my career has been moving at a snail's pace, but now it's dawned on me that it's not actually going forwards at all. In fact, it's in reverse.
The realisation stings.
I'm tired of being outside the tent and pissing in; I'm tired of having stupid, ill-thought-through decisions passed down to me and I want to be inside the tent myself pissing out my own stupid, ill-thought-through decisions onto other people (or perhaps even helping better decisions to be made). Last year, I even changed jobs within the department to try and shake things up a bit and to show what I had to offer. It clearly hasn't worked and I'm pretty sure that my new boss doesn't like me and certainly doesn't rate me. Now, I don't really think very highly of him either, but that's still pretty dispiriting. Apart from anything else, he's the person who represents me and represents my chances of career progression. Is he going to speak up for me? Hell no.
I was forced to do a few hours work this weekend, and you know what it made me realise? It's not so much that I resented putting in the extra time (well, maybe a bit), it was more that it was pretty detailed work that I don't really know how to do and it made me realise that I'm probably further away now from getting into the tent than I have ever been. I've been gradually pushed further and further away from the decision making and the strategy than ever before and I'm disappearing down into the nuts and bolts of the detailed work. The kind of work that I used to do maybe five years ago or more. It's not what I want to be doing and I'm not even sure that I'm very good at it.
The irony of that? I've actually been really trying. I really have.
That'll teach me.
This job is hardly my life's work. I know that. EVERYONE knows that. I'm thinking about perhaps doing an MA in Creative Writing or something, perhaps starting as early as this September. Whilst I'm sinking hours, YEARS of my life into this stupid, shitty job though, I'm proud enough and vain enough to want to make a decent fist of it and to think that I'm good at what I do. I might not want to be managing director, but that doesn't mean that I don't have the talent to succeed. I do have the talent, dammit. How do these clowns keep getting past me then?
It's somewhat depressing to realise that the people who do make it into the tent are apparently going to be pissing their stupid ideas onto me for the rest of eternity because I'm certainly never getting any closer to getting into their ridiculous club. As someone wise once said: "Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?"
Yeah, don't tell me. Stop following the fool, right? Well, I'm stubborn and I hate the idea of giving up. I don't really want a career, but it confuses and annoys me that I haven't got one.
Figure that one out.
[on the plus side, I did get notification of a small tax rebate today - £70 - so it's not all doom and gloom!]
The slow walk home
3 days ago