Thursday 19 October 2006

the elephant won't forget what it's like inside his cage....

C. asked me last night if I wanted to know why she had suddenly turned snippy with me.

We'd been chatting as we cooked dinner. C. had been away the night before, and we were catching up. She was telling me about the "Leaders of the Free World" conference (or whatever) that she had been attending in London, and I was just gabbing away about this and that. As I was telling her how my meeting with my boss had gone, she suddenly became impatient with me. In response, I began to clam up as I became self-conscious about what I was telling her, and wondering why she didn't seem to be interested or if I'd told her all this before and she was bored with it.

A couple of minutes later, she asked me if I wanted to know why her mood had shifted.

Instantly and without really thinking about it, I replied that I didn't think that I did.

"You don't want to know?" She was surprised. She clearly wanted to tell me.
"I don't think I do"
"Really? Don't you think it's healthy that we share this kind of stuff with each other?" She definitely wanted to tell me.
"I don't think I want to know"

She looked at me for a few seconds and then dropped it. We haven't talked about it since.

It's not that I didn't care about how she was feeling, or that there was any reason why I wouldn't want to know, it's just that my immediate gut reaction was that I simply didn't want to know. I have no clear idea why, but I just had this powerful feeling that I didn't want to talk about it, and ultimately I was powerless to resist it.

I'm sure it wasn't that big a deal, but for some reason I just couldn't deal with it.

That's bad, right?

I try to be open, and I'm actually proud of the fact that I usually say what I think and that I tend to wear my emotions on my face for everyone to see... but I can also be very secretive and closed off, even from those people that I love the most.

Curse my metal body.


  1. "That's bad, right?" -
    'fraid so mate.

    Go & talk to her you daft lummox!

  2. I don't think it's bad, but you might want to swallow that gut instinct, if you can and follow Flash's advice.

    Interchanges like this can come back to bite you in the butt when you least expect it.

  3. Girls never mean it when they say "do you want to know why..." Of COURSE you're supposed to say "yes." But you and C sound awesome together and I'm sure that whatever this is, it's not a big deal.


  4. So...there you were telling your wife how well you got on with another woman and she gets all snarky...

    Seriously, talk.

  5. I think that it is particularly good of her not to have let it deteriorate into her being all hurt and confused. Instead, she just let it ride. You're very lucky. A lot of women would have tunred that into a right propper bun fight.

  6. Erm...I don't think it's bad. I think it was a weird situation. If you didn't want to know, you didn't want to know. If we all told each other all the time what they did that made us upset, we'd spend more time fighting than getting along.

    That's just my two cents though...

  7. From a guy that's been married 16 years, my advice would be that your better off not knowing. Pick and chose the time and place of your battles. If you let her chose, you lose. I know that this sounds contrarian, but, by being a man, your already at a disadvantage.

  8. I do this all the time : sometimes I'm just not mentally up to such a level of interaction, and it's no reflection of my feelings about her or my amount of concern, it's just that my brain can't do it at that point in time.

  9. I've gone from oversharing to completely refusing to discuss how I feel within the context of relationships. I don't think either state is particularly healthy. For what it's worth, the fact you feel uncomfortable about how you reacted probably means it's worth re-visiting.

  10. I was wondering... How is it going with you shrink? Perhaps you could discuss this with him/her? I don't think none of us are qualified to give you the right answer.

    Good luck!

  11. Swissie, if you'rereadibng this at work and still haven't spoken to C about it, can I suggest you switch the computer off and phone her now. Tell her you love her.

    OK, you had a sudden gut reaction not to want to know. These things happen. But I don't think you'd have posted this if you weren't feeling in some way anxious about it afterwards...

    Yeah, tell her you love her and that even if you go a bit funny sometimes, you still love her. Cos I think you do.

  12. I've spoken to her. It's fine.

    thanks everyone (and Red - you're a treasure)


  13. and hen - you are so right about that. I am very lucky.