Sometimes I wonder how much I let MS define my life. I see memes on various Facebook MS groups that talk of no one understanding their world of invisible pain, and I just don't relate to them at all. I appreciate that different people process things in different ways, but I've always thought that I'm exactly the kind of person who doesn't wallow in the fact that I have multiple sclerosis.
But is that true? Can it be true?
Taking only this morning, I've worried about whether or not I'm finding it harder to sleep at the moment, I've thought about my bladder and bowel function, I've wondered if my bad back is being caused by any of the pills I take, I've staggered around on stiff, cramping legs and dragged a stiff ankle up and down the stairs a couple of times, I'm typing right now with numb hands. Is it really true to say that I'm not letting my MS define me? Just because I'm not posting memes about it?
Probably, some of these things will have nothing to do with my MS. A few definitely are, but I have to remind myself again that I'm actually extremely fortunate with my MS: my symptoms are reasonably stable and all of the above has to be taken in the context of the fact that I'm planning to go out for a 5 mile run this evening and that I've run 145 miles so far this year. Alright, so I'm finding running a bit harder at the moment, but it's not as though I'm doing much less of it.
I try not to put every little thing I feel down to my MS, but it is inevitably a filter through which I view the world.
Maybe that's the most insidious symptom of them all.