one hundred hairs make a man....

M-M-M-M-M-M Moustache

These are bittersweet times indeed. After thirty days of careful, tender cultivation, my moustache only has a few hours left to live. It feels as though we've been through a lot together, and when midnight strikes tonight and I set to work with my razor, it will I think be something of a sad moment.

I suspect I will carry the sense of loss with me for some time to come.


do not approach this man....

Oh, who am I trying to fool? I can't wait to be rid of the damn thing. Far from being lovingly nurtured, this wretched bovril smudge has simply sprouted on my upper lip for thirty days, become more bushy and irritating with every passing moment. As I reached for the scissors to trim the wiry little buggers that were reaching down into my mouth, I couldn't help but think that this was surely almost as undignified an activity as dealing with those other rougue hairs that sprout from your nose and ears as you lurch uncontrollably into middle age. Is this another symptom of encroaching age? Is it a midlife crisis moustache?

People look at you differently too. It had seemed funny, right back at the beginning of the month, to go for a handlebar-style effort, with the ends extending past the side of my mouth. If you're going to grow a moustache, I thought, then you might as well go the whole hog. I'll stand by that logic, I think, but as it began to take shape, I could feel people staring. It's okay when they ask, as of course I'm all ready with the explanation.... but lots of people don't ask for fear of offending. It's the people who don't ask that you have to worry about; they're the ones who are no doubt thinking that this is some kind of a lifestyle statement. I think the waiters in that restaurant in Hell's Kitchen were particularly taken with it.


ridiculous hat model's own

Ah, but what the hell. Although I can't wait to get rid of the damn thing (particularly as I have now developed the habit of stroking it in meetings), it has to be said that this has actually been quite a lot of fun. I've struck up conversations with all sorts of people who have asked me what it's all about, I've had smiles from perfect strangers in the street, given my friends and family a good laugh and above all - of course - I have raised more than £750 to go to the Prostate Cancer Charity. As well as the money, I hope that I've helped increase the awareness of a nasty disease that will affect 1 in 11 men in their lifetime.

Thanks very much to everyone who made a contribution - you've been remarkably generous. If you still want to throw some money into the pot, then you can still sponsor me.....just click here.

So it's been fun, and it's been worthwhile..... but it's still coming off at the first possible opportunity after midnight and I can't wait for it to be gone. Neither, it has to be said, can my wife.

king of the hill, top of the heap....

Right, well I'm just about to shove of to New York for a few days. I've only been once before, in 2004, and that was with work when I barely had time to do much more than pop up Empire State (above)... so I'm very much looking forward to a rather more social visit. The Met, skating in Central Park, a spot of shopping, MOMA.... that kind of thing. Should be good. Apparently they're showing "The Dark Knight" on the plane on the way over to JFK too, so it's all good.

.... just time before I go to give you a week three update on my burgeoning 'tash.



I've had my hair cut this morning, so now the moustache is officially longer than my hair.



It's also been growing for long enough that I have been forced to discover the joys of grooming it. You know, getting a little pair of scissors and vainly attempting to stop it growing down over my lip and into my mouth. Yuck.

It's becoming a bit annoying to be honest, and I really can't wait to be rid of the damn thing. Ten days to go and counting. I've noticed that I've developed a slightly worrying tic of stroking it absent-mindedly during meetings, which I suspect is starting to freak people out.



Still, the good news is that I've now raised £667.78 on behalf of the Prostate Cancer Charity, so it's certainly not all been in vain.

As well as looking like a fool in all of my holiday photos, I have still also got to brave a trip back to my parents on the last weekend of the month, at which time I will be attending the annual wine-tasting fund-raiser for the local entertainments group of which my father is a cornerstone. *sigh*. I'm sure the whole village will get a real giggle out of it.

Oh well.

Still time to make a donation. Just click here. Every contribution welcome, no matter how small, and thanks to those of you who have made a donation so far.

There's a set of all my Movember photos here. I should do a montage or something.

slip of the tongue...

I spent several hours on the Children in Need call centre on Friday night. I don't know if you know how these things work, but the basic idea is pretty simple: you turn up when you say you're going to turn up, and you then man a phone for a few hours and take as many donations and pledges in that time as you can. I've done this several times before now, so I know the ropes. The graveyard shift, 23:30 to 02:00, is generally quite busy. People are coming back in from the pubs and sticking the telly on, and people who have been watching the TV all night are starting to feel guilty about not having given anything already. Now, the target audience for Children in Need is a little bit different to that of Comic Relief. On the Comic Relief call centre, you are far more likely to get the drunks ringing up when they get in from the boozer. They often try to be funny. They almost always fail. With Children in Need, you often receive calls from very young children on their way to bed having been allowed to stay up late. They ring in with a bit of help from their mum, ask if you will say hello to Pudsey for them, and then pledge their pocket money. It's rarely more than a fiver, but it's so, so sweet. At the other end of the age spectrum, you also get a fair number of pensioners. Sometimes they sound a bit lonely and just want to have a bit of a chat. They don't often give very much, but you get the impression that they've been genuinely moved by what they've seen, and they want to do what they can. They often say that they wish they could afford to give more, but I always tell them that if everyone gave as much as they do, then the charity would be doing pretty well.

Calls often come in batches: you may get several calls end-on-end, and then you may have a few minutes of respite before the next appeal video is screened on the telly and you get another batch of calls. The phones don't ring or anything, instead you are warned of an incoming call by a series of three pips. By the time the third pip has sounded, the caller has been transferred to your phone and you're on the air. In one lull on Friday night, I started telling the guys around me an anecdote that a chap at work had told me. We'd been talking about how I was going to the ground on Saturday to watch England playing Australia, and he'd decided to share a story about his last visit to the ground. Apparently, and you have to remember that I was sat in the call centre with my headset on when I was telling this story, this chap had gone to Twickenham on some kind of corporate do. I don't think there was a game on, but there was a dinner with a number of speeches from former players. My colleague is a strapping great big welsh bloke, and he was having a whale of a time on a table with Micky Skinner. At one point, his wife leaned over to him and indicated Martin Johnson sat at the table next door.
"He doesn't look so big and tough now he's retired does he?"
My colleague looked over at the glowering six foot eight retired England World Cup Winning captain and returned his attention to his drink.
A little later on, and several beers further into his evening, my colleague made an inevitable trip to the gents. He was halfway through his business when he noticed a looming figure at the urinal next door. He looked up and up and up to see Martin Johnson standing there. He couldn't resist it:
"Martin?"
Johnson looked over. "Yes mate?"
"My wife says you don't look so big and scary now you're not playing".
Johnson considered this statement for a moment, sized up the drunk Welshman standing next to him, finished what he was doing **PIP** and said **PIP** "Fuck off". **PIP** Hello. You're through to BBC Children in Need. How would you like to make your donation this evening?"

There was silence on the other end of the line. There was someone there, but they were silent.
"Hello? Hello?"
No reply.
Is it possible that the call gets connected before the third pip and I'd just told someone, perhaps a child with his pocket money or an elderly person with a bit of their pension at the ready, to fuck off?

Um.

I'm sure they found another way to make their donation.

(and if they happen to be reading this, I'm so, so sorry about that. I don't get paid as much as Jonathan Ross, remember....)

---

The rugby at Twickenham was fairly miserable from an English point of view, but two good things did come from it:

1) My mobile phone provider (and sponsors of the England rugby team) invited me into a private bar and gave me a free pint and a quality pie with mash. For nothing. I think it's the first time they've ever done anything really useful for me.

2) Almost every Australian at the game under the age of 40 seemed to have a moustache that looked suspiciously like it was about two weeks old. Of course, every Australian over the age of 40 already had a moustache....

do you wanna make tea at the BBC?

Exactly fourteen days ago, I started growing a moustache in order to raise money and awareness for the Prostate Cancer Charity. Loads of people do it, apparently. It's called "Movember". I'd barely started when I updated you on my progress last week. How about after another week's careful cultivation?



People who didn't know I was doing this are now coming up to me and asking what the hell I'm doing.... so it must be a touch more noticeable now.



The charity says that, although the money raised is great, the best part of the event for them is that every single person taking part is a walking, talking advert for the charity. They reckon that every day, you will have to explain what you are doing and why to at least two people, thus spreading awareness of the issues and the charity. Did you know that 1 in 11 men will be personally affected the prostate cancer in their lifetime? That's a sobering statistic.


The nicest thing anyone has said to me is to ask me if I was growing a "David Boon". The next best was when someone asked me if I was trying for a "Lemmy". Other suggestions have included Brandon Flowers and Earl from "My Name is Earl". Me, I think that with a beanie on, I treading dangerously close to The Edge.



16 days still to go though and it's all getting a bit 1970s.

I've raised about £500 so far, which I should be able to get matched by my employers. I still want more though, so if you're so inclined, you can sponsor me here.

---

Earworms of the Week

After that, how about some music?

> "Take Me Out" - Franz Ferdinand

It's now nearly five years old, but I heard this song the other day, and it sounds as fresh now as it did then. That change of pace at the beginning is sensational, and always a thrill to watch them doing live. They've got some new material on the way, so I imagine they'll be playing an enormodome near you in the new year.

> "Your Sweet Voice" - Reindeer Section

For a long time, it looked as though Gary Lightbody's side-project might overshadow his day job. Luckily for him, "Run" and then "Chasing Cars" changed that for him, but there's something enduring about his collaboration with some familiar faces from the Scottish indie scene (members of Idlewild, Belle & Sebastian, Teenage Fanclub, Arab Strap, Mogwai, Mull Historical Society and so on appear on here). This song is very much Lightbody's, and as such is suitably sappy, but it's a good album all round really, and it's funny that listening to the new Snow Patrol album has inspired me to dig this nugget out of the archives.

> "Blue Bleezing Blind Drunk" - Rachel Unthank and the Winterset

I'm not entirely sure that I like Rachel Unthank. There's something about some of the delivery that grates with me slightly. It's not so much the Geordie accents (which I like), it's the "folk" style delivery and the occasional harsh, hectoring tone of some of the lyrics. On the whole though, it's a really good album. This song is an obvious standout, and is the one that I saw them playing on the Mercury Music show a few weeks back. Girl Power! Folk-stylee.....

>"Dakota" - Stereophonics

Picked up via an advert for their forthcoming greatest hits. Amazingly enough, I used to actually quite like the Stereophonics... back in the day when they wrote good songs like "Local Boy in the Photograph".... I fell out with them at the time that they released a song ("Mr.Writer") that was nothing more than a rant at a journalist. It's pretty much been all downhill to middle-of-the-road plod-rock creative bankruptcy since then. With one exception: this song. "Dakota" is driven by an absolutely gloriously dry, driving riff that's as big as the sky. Quite where they dug this up from, I have no idea, but it remains as fresh now as it was when I first heard it and was astonished that it was by the Stereophonics. It's a frustrating song really, as it reminds me of how good a band they could have been, and quite how much they've settled for the easy money.

> "Sunset Coming on" - Mali Music

What with his work on Blur, Gorrillaz, Monkey Journey to the West and so on, Damon Albarn is clearly rocks' renaissance man. Mali Music was one of his earlier voyages away from the safe havens of Britpop, but it's a damn fine album. Where"Graceland" takes the African music and uses it as a backdrop for Paul Simon's own songs, here the local music is thrust to the forefront, with the western influences used more subtly underneath. It's a triumph. This song, perhaps a little unfortunately, has stuck in my head because the refrain sounds uncannily like "Fields of Gold" by Sting. To be honest, I'm desperately hoping that this particular earworm doesn't transform into a full-on Sting infection....

> "Salute Your Solution" - The Raconteurs

Because it rocks. The Bond theme is alright, I suppose (although it's definitely not all that), but it made me think how good a musician Jack White is. I love the way that this song just rollicks along from start to finish, driven by a nice big guitar riff.... just the way I like it.

> "No More Heroes" - The Stranglers

Elastica famously stole the intro riff from this song for "Waking up". Now, I really like that song too, but there's nothing that can quite match the fury of the original.

"Whatever happened to Leon Trotsky?
He got an ice pick that made his ears burn"

Indeed.

> Theme from "Cheggers Plays Pop"

Cheggers is a great survivor, having come through a serious alcohol problem, the collapse of a high profile marriage and generally being thought of as a laughing stock. I like him. I think there's something heroic about his cheerfulness in the face of all this, and if he were to turn up on my doorstep first thing in the morning, it would surely be impossible to be cross with him. "Cheggers Plays Pop" may actually have been my first exposure to rock music, with it's guitar driven theme tune and gangs of children dressed in yellow and red high on sugar and additives charging around the face under the gaze of the serene and putti-like Chegwin. I think this came to mind when I caught a glimpse of Cheggers on GMTV as I was sat in the dentist's waiting room the other day. Legend. If I had to pick one of the Swap Shop gang to go to the pub with, I'd take Keith Chegwin over Sarah Greene or Noel Edmonds any day of the week (although, obviously I wouldn't be buying him a pint)

> "Milk" - Kings of Leon

The Mighty Boosh Live were a massive disappointment last week, but I did learn that Noel Fielding does an excellent impression of the Kings of Leon. It involves a lot of mumbling, obviously.....

> "Career Opportunities" - The Clash (live at Shea Stadium)

I haven't always loved the Clash. I was a bit too young to get into them first time around, and I somehow managed to serenely ignore them when they were back in fashion courtesy of that Levis advert.... even after I picked up a Greatest Hits album, I never really gave them an enormous amount of attention beyond "London Calling" and "Rock the Casbah". Over time, however, some of their other songs have crept under my skin. "Lost in a Supermarket", for example, is a brilliant record. I'd read that this album was finally the live album that a band of the stature of The Clash deserved, and it certainly doesn't disappoint. It was recorded when they were supporting The Who at Shea Stadium in New York, and from start ("London Calling") to finish ("I Fought the Law"), it's an exhilarating rip through some of their biggest hits. It turns out they were a damn good live band too. I wish I could have seen them. Just don't get me started on that Scouting for Girls cover of "London Calling" at the Olympics Party. Mike called that the musical lowlight of 2008 the other day, and I have to say that I agree with him wholeheartedly. Awful. How can you take something that edgy and that vital, with that much heart-on-sleeve righteous anger and turn it into something so...so.... bland. Rubbish. So, if you've got that travesty on your mind, you could do a lot worse than listen to the real thing delivered venomously on a rainy day in New York in 1982.

---

It's the Children in Need call centre for me tonight, so if you ring up to make a donation between 23:30 and 02:00, then you have a tiny chance of speaking to me in person.

That's gotta be worth a go, no?

03457 33 22 33

Stay classy!

you have been gone too long....

One item of business before we launch into this week's earworms.....

It's now been exactly seven days since I first started actively cultivating a moustache to raise money and awareness for the Prostate Cancer Charity as part of "Movember".

Time for a progress update, I reckon:



From the look on my face there, you'd think I was loving this.... and perhaps I am.... but I was about to leave the house for work and caught myself looking like such a miserable bastard that I had to force out a smile, and this was the end result. I look a bit mental, on the whole, I think.

Well, there's now no hiding the fact that I am growing a ridiculous looking moustache. It needs a bit more depth, perhaps, but as someone at work said to me this afternoon, the design is good and the basic concept is right... the rest will follow over the course of the month. I am now getting stared at on a fairly regular basis though. Apparently part of the point of the exercise is that, as well as the money, the charity gets loads and loads of awareness this month, as they reckon that every single person taking part will get asked several times a day why they are growing a moustache, and they will then explain. It's good, innit? Although, to be honest, I'm thinking of wearing a big t-shirt saying something along the lines of "It's not a LIFESTYLE STATEMENT. It's for CHARITY" or somesuch. For every person who asks me, I can't help but think of the ten who just assume I've decided to grow a moustache. That's the kind of thought that keeps me awake at night.



I've now raised well over £300, but I reckon with so much of the month still to go, and with plenty of scope for personal embarrassment still to come(I'm going to visit my parents on the last weekend of the month, for starters).... we can do better than that, can't we?

You can sponsor me here. Laugh by all means, but please consider a small donation as you do so.

All money raised goes to the Prostate Cancer Charity in the UK. Given that 1 in 11 men will be affected by prostate cancer in their lifetime, I think it's a worthy cause - certainly good enough to spend a month walking round looking like a divvy, anyway. If you like, think of any donation you make as pay it forwards.....

Anyway, Earworms.

Earworms of the Week

> "Sunny Days" - Kid British

In many, many ways, this is nothing but annoying, derivative shit. It sounds like the bastard offspring of "Mr Blue Sky" and the worst kind of sub-Blur Britpop rubbish. Actually, that's exactly what this is.... and yet... and yet.... after a couple of listens, other stuff slowly starts to emerge from the detritus: there's hints of the urban delivery of The Streets and Jamie T in here, and behind that upbeat, bouncy melody, there's a rather more downbeat story about someone trying to live their life with one less plate at the table and it's beans on toast for tea. I'm still leaning towards this being irritating beyond measure, but it's managed to climb into my head, if nothing else. Ben - 5x5 stuff on the way this weekend if it kills me!

> "Paris to Berlin" - Infernal

Dreadful song, but it was playing in the changing rooms at the gym, and my bastard brain did the rest. Thanks Brian.

> "Riders on the Storm" - The Doors

This has always been my favourite Doors song, even if it does remind me of that dreadful joke / horror story that we always used to tell each other as kids, about the couple who run out of petrol on a stormy night. You know... the guy goes off to get fuel, and the girl stays in the car and waits. And waits. And waits. It's lashing it down with rain, but she starts to hear a tap-tap-tap on the car roof. Blah, blah, blah.... police come along, tell her to get out of the car and not look back, and it's a psycho on the roof of the car with her partner's severed head. Tap-tap-tap. Maybe that's exactly what Jim Morrison was hoping for?

> "My Favourite Waste of Time" - Owen Paul

No idea how this one crept in... but hey! Owen Paul is always welcome around here.

> "Human" - The Killers

I quite like The Killers. I quite like them, but I don't love them. They've done a few good songs, a few I'm not that bothered by, and a couple of absolutely solid gold classics. They apparently wrote "Mr.Brightside" within 10 minutes of getting together as a group. If that's true, then in a way that must be really depressing, as I doubt they'll write another song that good if they're together for the next thirty years. It is a great song, at least, I suppose. This is another reasonably good song, and it's catchy and yet strangely lightweight, like a lot of the rest of their stuff. I do like the liberties they take with grammar though. Are you human, or are you dancer? Like it. My 'tache has been compared this week with that sported until recently by Brandon Flowers. I'm not sure that was meant as a compliment, but I'll take it.

> "Calm a Llama Down" / "Love Games" / "Future Sailors" - The Mighty Boosh

Well, I'm off to see the Boosh tomorrow night... and I'm very much looking forward to it. I hope we get some crimping....

> "If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It" - Snow Patrol

Wide-eyed indie pap with a big chorus and lots of "woo-hoos". They're not everyone's cup of tea, and to be honest, I'm not sure about the new album, but I love'em. They're still the only 10/10 gig I've reviewed here, and I've just bought tickets to see them in March. God love'em. Gary Lightbody still has that "Celt" sticker on his guitar, although I can't help but notice that it's now on a Les Paul.....

> "Night Terror" - Laura Marling

My favourite song of hers. She's only a tiny little thing, but during the course of this song, she manages to conjure up a vivid picture of a nightmare, but also to convince that she could be your protector. Bless.

> "Ragged Wood" - Fleet Foxes

Of the three gigs I attended this week, this one was my favourite. All three of them were pretty good, but this one stood out for me. If I may plagiarise Mike again, it's something to do with the way that they managed to not only recreate the beauty of their record, but to do so with all the muscle of a proper live band. Really, really good. Before the gig, I liked the whole album, but I only really had ears for "White Winter Hymnal". Since the gig, I'm discovering just how good the rest of it is too. Robin Pecknold claimed to be a bit embarrassed by "Your Protector" to, but that's another cracker that could easily have made this list.

Right. That'll do then. Don't forget that I'll be closing the shuffleathon on Sunday, so if you want to take part, you'd best get in touch before then.

Stay classy y'all.

mr moustache....

OK. It's only day four and the moustache is coming along quite nicely, and is just starting to 'show'. It needs a bit more depth, perhaps, but it's early days yet, and there's £247.50 of sponsorship safely in the bank already.

If you so desire, you can sponsor me here.

I suppose I'm going for a half-trucker. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. There's no point in half-measures. If you're going to do it, do it properly and all that.

Photos to follow.....

It's in aid of the Prostate Cancer Charity, so it's a really good cause. If you're going to look like a pillock for a month, then it might as well be for a good reason, eh?

....and you get to laugh at me for a month.

....Louder than usual, anyway.